adrift in a sea of wtf!!

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Well, here we are in 2012 and so far it's kinda boring. I have no job and no guarantee of getting a job. And if I do get a job, how long will I keep the job before I get BORED and piss on it. I have outside influences telling me that it's my mental condition that makes me say and do the things I do AND YET these same outside influences are at a complete disagreement as to just what my mental condition is or what label to apply to said mental condition.
Look, I am a moody fucking bitch okay. I get sad. I get happy. Some days I feel like going outside and somedays I want to stay inside and play video games all day. Some days I watch an entire season of whatever show or subject takes my fancy and then I sleep until I've had enough of that, meaning in about four and half hours I wake up and start all over again. Sometimes I start a project that is in my head and must be put to paper or painted, sewed or created. I say this makes me creative and imaginative. A boss only kills that and I don't have enough money to do whatever I really want whenever I want, being jobless does that.

But a job means being a slave to someone...a freakin' slave. A boss makes me a slave owner...ewwww!! I can follow rules up to a point. Then it gets complicated. My headgears start to turn and then they get all rusty and noisy and loud and sparks start to fly and well, it ain't pretty.

I'm not lazy, just inspired at random weird times. I could be lazy but then I feel guilty and have to run about picking up and cleaning and straightening and justifying and, see there goes that weird headgear grinding stuff. Do you know what it's like to make sure all the ducks are in a row BEFORE you go out the door, even if only for a few hours, say from 8 am to 2 pm roundtrip by way of bus. And that's just to cover two appointments, one of which will be AT the place you just left at 8 am?I'm sorry, did I just lose you? That my friends is what i"m talkin' about. I get my head wrapped around a slice of bacon and take this whole journey into the land of wow in just a split second.

That is what it's like in my head. If I am being used as a channel for my subconscious thought, then I would ask the subconscious to be a little clearer please and channel only one thought process at a time. My mind can handle multiple processes but my hand can only do one process successfully to completion. Otherwise I find myself surrounded by incompleteness and that just drives me to distraction.

It's irritating to have all this great stuff in my head and not have the means to do with it what I was clearly meant to do. I am not a writer or a painter or a musician. I merely like to read and sometimes write, I love to see art and sometimes draw and paint, and I love to dance but can't sing or compose music. All I know is what I like.

People make money doing what I love, but not me. I am not a movie critic, I damn sure am not Oprah, and I don't have talk radio shows like that idiot Stern. Actually he's brilliant because he managed to bring the camera into the radio station by flashing tits and talking about sex all the time.

That just leads me into what I've always known and said, which is that this is a man's world. It was not created for men by a male entity. Come on, women were not an afterthought just to keep Adam from fucking sheep. It's true. And stating that women were created from man is to me the same as saying
Adam fucks himself because there is no one out there more worthy than he is to himself.

Even the word woman suggests equal billing. I know what you're thinking, man is she gonna burn in hell!! Well, you're wrong about that because Jesus died for me too, that's right, he died for my lowly womans' ass so nah nah nah nah naaaah!!!

You thought only men were going to inherit the earth, yeah right!!! We are one, man and woman, ONE CREATION split into two halves. I just know Adam saw all those baby critters being born and said OH HELL NO, I'm not doing that, so woman took on the job because she knew it was an honor, a gift. Besides, God knew what he was doing, sorta. I mean he created another mate for
Adam, this woman who was created on equal ground, haha, not from Adam's rib, but she didn't work out, did Lilith. Why, because she refused to take Adam's shit and that made her the first ever Woman's Rights advocate in my book. Who gives a woman to a man, I mean really. What the hell kind of thinking do men give My God credit for. Old Testament to New Testament, it is still a MAN writing down their interpretations of what is being amplified into their tiny little brains from an omnipotent being and as men they STILL managed to slip in that whole man is better than women mentality that still runs this fucked up world today.
Enough of this subject for me. I can go on and on about it, such as fashion being decided by male sadist throughout history, or why does a man decide what is beautiful in the women depicted in the art culture? And worst of all is why we as women allow ourselves to be groomed to accept these ridiculous male notions. Stupids!! Do I hate men? Fuck yeah!! Do I love men? Fuck yeah!!

Cinders Says: Life on Mars - It's a New Year!

Cinders Says: Life on Mars - It's a New Year!: Meeting last years Goals A blog post a day. 176 posts was not a bad effort. I actually had a few that people read too. I tried. I think th...



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A Sheltered Life Chapter 15

WHAT I CAN RECALL, RANDOM NOTES AND THE FIRST DRAFT OF THE BOOK I STARTED OVER A DECADE AGO
So let’s say I have flashbacks of my childhood. I do and some of them are not so good. My first recollections of childhood is me at about three. I know it takes place in Albuquerque, New Mexico because of the roof and the tree in the memory. The roof had white sheets spread across it and the tree was just over the top of the roof, I know because we used to climb that tree a great deal. Hell, we my sister Nona and I, fed our brother Keith worms out of it. Gross little kids we were. We were going into the cellar and there were bottles of things like peaches and pickles, big cans of tomato paste and pork -n-beans, paper bags full of potatoes. It was dark and creepy but we went into the cellar almost everyday, like a drill of some kind. The next memory is around the same age and the big people were glued to the TV and there was crying and news footage and a little boy saluting.
Cuban missile crisis and the JFK assassination.

I also remember being in a courtroom, my older brother was standing up front behind the fence, well it was a fence to me, and the man in black robes was playing with a wooden hammer.
Bernie, what did you do?

I remember being on an airplane and running up and down the aisles with my brothers. I remember the tater tots mostly oh and the overhead light switch we kept playing with. I remember some kind of hotel rooms and walking with my sister Terry to the forest with big black beetles in the trees.

I remember getting in the bathtub with my younger sister Nona and an armful of teddy bears that lost their fur while floating around in the tub. I also remember the spanking. And an old washer/ringer machine in the bathroom with us, because I kept putting the towel through the ringer over and over.

I remember Keith being there all of a sudden. And getting a spanking for brushing his hair while he slept in the crib. I remember getting teased mercilessly to tears by my brothers and my father trying to coax out of the room on Christmas Eve, but refusing to go to him. I believe it was the first time I wet the bed. It’s also one of my first memories of not liking any of my brothers except the baby Keith. I still don’t care too much for the brothers except Keith and he’s gone now.

I remember jumping out of a second story window and landing on the hands and knees on top of some kind of grate. I thought I was Superman and had a towel tied around my neck. It was yellow I think. I can’t tell you if it hurt but I’m sure of it. I still have the scars, faint but still there.

I remember getting my mother’s unbrella stuck in the sewer top and yanking on it until it came out all broken and bent, I didn’t want to get a spanking. Guess what, I got a spanking.

I remember being dressed in uniforms and running around in the fields with the Twins. We happened into the path of a man driving a tractor mower and were running just ahead of it. That poor man nearly had a heart attack when one of our shoes got mowed over and we finally ran to the sides. Phew.

I think I mentioned dancing on the table top at school, and climbing through a broken window. Still have the scar on my upper right arm from that little excursion. They say I had stitches but from the look of the scar, I don’t think so.

I remember a castle, Frankenstein’s Castle my Dad told us. It was a really cool little piece of ruin and we went all up top and underneath it. It was not Frankenstein’s Castly but it was a great place to let your imagination roam.

I also remember the ice cream and the cheese wafers from Germany. Yummy. I don’t remember Bernie, but I remember the Christmas I got the very first Barbie and the carrying case. I didn’t want the doll. I wanted the 007 spy kit that my brothers got. I was so jealous I swallowed the orange bullets that came with the really cool gun. Barbie did not fair well. On the other Mary Poppins did really well and I had her with me up until losing her in a mini storage in Garland, Texas in 1996 or 1997. I cried over losing my last remnant of childhood. I had left my husband and was in San Antonio, Texas. He promised to pay the storage until I got a job and well, enough said. Whoever got that storage unit discovered years of toys and comic book card collecting, along with an eclectic art collection. Breathe honey breathe and let go.
　
I remember being back in New Mexico, but I don’t remember the trip at all. Just there we were pulling into the driveway in the big station wagon from the airport. The adobe house on NW Virginia Street was stuffy and practically empty. Seems my Mother’s cedar chest was gone as well as some prime pieces of furniture that she brought into the marriage. I remember her crying. Then we Girls were all shoved into a tiny bedroom without a closet and only one dresser. It was ludicrous because the boys were put in the next largest room next to my parent’s . My parents said that girls were accustomed to closeness and boys needed their own space. Yeah Right. Then the closet was built and only Terrill got to use the thing because she was older and she needed her space. Um-kay.

My sister Terrie was not a nice person, I think I mentioned her before. She was really one fucked up bitch and that’s being nice. She could write though, and speak French and had high expectations of herself and Us others. That being myself, Nona and Michelle. I did like her taste in music though. And Bernie’s. My brother Bernie was always singing Angie by the Rolling Stones and always jumping hurdles and apparently always in trouble with the law. I don’t remember much else about him. Now Terrie was a different fish all together. She had the most gorgeous boyfriends I had ever seen, and she was not a cute person at all. No I mean that, she was not unattractive but to me she was just plain and short and ugly all the way around. She had a mouth on her too!! Especially when the parents were away. But my mother had a soft spot for her and pretty much looked the other way where Terrie was involved. Terrie had this one boyfriend that I just couldn’t help developing a crush on. He was tall, he was Native American, he spoke softly, had hair down past his ass and wow what a face. Total warrior. What the hell he saw in Terrie I never knew but I do know that he treated her quite well, the flowers, the pistachios, the diamond rings, the necklaces and the dream catchers and all those beautiful feathers all over the place. Hawaiians love feathers too you know. It was their currency. Anyway, one day he was just gone. Terrie took all the jewelry he gave her apart and put the diamonds in a little jar. One day she pissed me off so badly with the way she decided to beat my sister Nona, apparently expecting a six year old to stay still during a bible study with a cult like the Jehovah’s Witnesses was just not allowed, I swallowed that jar of stones and then danced in front of her when she asked about it. BITCH one meets BITCH two., I don’t think the old woman ever came back after that display. Can you blame her?

I definitely remember La Mesa Elementary, and not fondly. I hated that school. HATED it. I liked the burger joint across the street though. Best cheeseburgers ever. What I didn’t like was the teacher I had. Third grade, old bitty who had a problem with me being black, thought my dad was a worthless man and my mom a hooker. If you have ever seen Everybody Hates Chris, his teacher was my teacher only old and spiteful. That bitch would give me candy with the rest of the class and then make me throw mine away based on some bullshit she would come up with. When class went out to recess, I would go and get my candy out of the trash and thoroughly enjoy it. There was this little redheaded weasel boy who would always tell and then the teacher would be so surprised when I would tell her that it was no one’s anymore since it was at the bottom of the trash so technically it wasn’t stealing was it? She stopped that crap and the little weasel got cornered on the playground by the rest of the class for being a snitch, nobody in my neighborhood liked a snitch.

This school’s teaching staff was a nightmare and being the three only black kids in it was, needless to say, a hard heavy trip. This school is the reason that the twins and I all ended up in the same grade by the time I rolled into the third grade. One, we were all identical, except I was a girl. Two they claimed that one twin was too quiet and the other was behind in his studies. May be true, but I know that the math this school was teaching us had already been taught to us in Germany. My mother’s solution was to put the quiet boy and the gangly girl in the music program. Cool right? He got the viola. I got the friggin CELLO. That’s right, the cello. I walked to school and back with this monstrosity. I used it to peek over fences, to fight off dogs and bullies. It was a great shield against the cold winds of New Mexic o. And it made the most beautiful sounds I had ever heard. Too bad it was only that one year because I would have totally loved to have kept playing that instrument. I can imagine what sounds of sorrow I could have wrung from those strings. Maybe one day, now that I’m free and have reclaimed this half of my life back…maybe.

I told you that Barbie and I, when I was young, had a tumultuous relationship. When we played with Barbie, my sisters and I always treated her like the hostage. It’s true. G I Joe was the boss toy to have and we being girls were not allowed to have one. So we would take our brothers’ and they would be furious at first, until they got the hang of the pretend story we were playing. In war there must be hostages and since G I Joe was so bad ass, well none of those characters could be hostages. So a substitute was needed and tag, Barbie was it!! We didn’t have to do the fashion thing or carry all the little accessories or anything like that. You just wrapped a rope around them, tied them to the tree branch, stuck them in the ground and there you have it, prisoners of war. It was perfect. The rest of the boys in the neighborhood soon caught on and there would be massive war play in the backyard at Ft. Sam Houston on Forbush Street. Those poor Barbie’s were dragged through mud from the back of bikes and one or two actually had nails in there arms to hold them on after they were accidentally broken off due to mishandling. It was just as much fun as the mud bakery we created, or the Lost Boys of Neverland that we played in the mulberry bushes out in the field behind our house. We would chase the lightening bugs and hang out of those trees with our homemade lanterns and just whoop and holler like life was never going to end. But it did end.

The boy chasing my little brother down the street with a bat, calling him nigger was a focal point for me. I had dealt with racism but it was so off handed and so subtle. It was handled with class and dignity. This was just plain violent. He was five or six years old and the boy chasing him must have been about fifteen or sixteen years old. I know what hatred looks like, learned it that day face to face with a lunatic.
I pushed my brother into the house and took on this maniac, I was twelve. He never could catch me and I laughed at him and laughed and dodged until he put his hands on his knees to catch his breath. Then I told him it was my turn and picked up the bat and let him have it. It only took three strikes and he left, clutching his right arm, vowing to come back. By that time my brothers had arrived on their bikes and the stare down was on. Never saw him again.

Never saw the boys at the apartments in New Mexico either. The one's who claimed to have the Bonnie and Clyde car. It was similar to the one in the movie but that was about it. They were being mean to my sister Nona and I took offence. I just remember jumping from the top of the car to the back of the biggest one and chomping down hard on his back. It bled and his mom had to beg me to let go of him. We never went back there either and I remember thinking that we were going to be running out of places to play if this kept up. I also remember Ian drowning the guinea pig. I remember his setting my mom’s bed on fire, with her in it, and I already told you how he would go out of his way to make Michelle bleed. We were a screwed up bunch of little people, that’s what I’m saying.

We were spoiled ones, and neglected ones, and unstable ones, and worker bees inside the home and entrepreneurs outside the home. We played sports, some of well, and we all had a creative side that was encouraged by my mother and scorned by my father. My father was the type who would give the boys all he had because young men have to have these things to make it through life. We girls, even as we grew into our twenties, thirties and forties were pretty and expected to find men to take care of our needs. Yeah, uh huh. The males were MEN, emphasis on the capitals, who were to go out and make a living for themselves and then decide who they wanted to share those lives with. PUKE NOW!! I think I mentioned the confrontation over driving lessons that took place between my father and I. You see, three people were graduating that year. I had never failed a grade and excelled in the majority of my classes, especially reading. But the twins were young men and it was important to their image to learn to drive the cars that dad was helping to foot half the bills for. What the fuck was that mentality? I was not a happy camper over this as well as the wardrobe situation or the haircuts at the barbershop situation or the work programs while I took typing shorthand and home economics situation. Home Economics really, I had been cooking and cleaning and running after babies since I was six and my mother could sew and if I have wanted to learn that or crochet I would have buckled down and done so. But NO, no driving for me. Crazy Terrie got to drive but not Bobbie the babysitter, housekeeper, cook, laundress, reader and music lover. I got Modeling lessons and charm school. I got autographs from NFL players that my Dad met here and there, mostly at the NCO Club or the PX on base because you know most of these players’ parents were in the military, I mean look at Shaq, Robert G. Cole High School. I went there too. It sucked just like all the other public schools and with so many kids there was no way any of the girls was going to get near a private school. Even Nona's exceptional brain didn’t qualify her for additional education above that of public school. We just were not worth that type of financial expenditure.
I just remember telling Dad that he was a chauvinistic pig and went out with the friends from school and learned how to drive in their cars and proceeded to get my driver’s license at age eighteen. I may not have known a lot about gasoline but I did know how to pay for my own gas and how to earn my own money and how to spend that money on the siblings below me as there was no extra cash for them. The Twins, being in a work program, had cash and access to the parents’ credit cards whenever they needed something beyond what they could afford. We girls babysat, sold cookies, turned in bottles for the deposits, got real jobs and pretty much did it all for ourselves. Well not all as in paying for utilities or mortgages and stuff. Let’s be fair about that.

With Dad constantly on tour for the U.S., Mom make it work on a shoestring budget and whatever Uncle Sam and Dad sent home. Our medical and dental needs were free, groceries were not. It sucked sometimes but if she hadn’t shown me how to survive that way, I would not have made it through twenty seven years of marriage to a man incapable of letting go of his vices to take care of a wife and two sons. I lived the high road and the low road and I tell you this, It Made Me Strong. I had it and then lost it so many times that I finally got the Materialism is Fleeting saying that I kept hearing bantered about by my Mom, the religious shows etc. I know where to go, who to ask, when to ask, what not to do and I’m Still getting the scoop on other links to share and use, so life is good.

I like to work hard and I like hard work. Puzzles fascinate me and reading, well what can I say about reading. Just awesome. So is music. I like all kinds of music. Sometimes it fits my mood and sometimes my mood fit’s the music. Take these pages I’ve been writing for the past thirty days. The music, ADELE 21, ONE REPUBLIC Dreaming out Loud. No others will do, they don’t fit the mood or the sentiment. Well, except for the TING TINGS We Started Nothing which I play when I start to feel morbid and not feisty. If I still played the cello, I’d be hauntingly stringing my way through my depression whenever I felt down. But if I still played the cello, it would be in the pawn shop.

So I write and doodle and do a lot of thinking about art projects that I want to do. I have several in my head and some I’ve committed to paper for future fulfillment. I'm also thinking of trying my hand at writing screen plays. I see them in my head so I might as well try them out and see how they fit.

Random Notes from my spiral that I lugged around the shelter. This day in particular, October sixteenth was special for me and three other women.

10/16/11 @ 9pm 2007 The Burnt House ## she called Ivan from San Jose left a message. Raymond Holmes??? Marina Alfonse/aka Jello who killed Roseanne? Check out more by author Faye Kellerman.
Kids, the same kids are up again…Their parents marching around like they are above all the rules. Every freakin night since I’ve been here. WTF after 8 pm it’s the time we grown ups need to ourselves here. Loud ass, little fuckers running around all over the place. Nasty little hands touching everything they can reach, snotty noses dripping, no shoes on, UGH. And here come the teen lovers with their Momma’s in tow//how disgusting can folks be, truly!!! Breathe, oh just breathe….and still waiting for my ears to popl
Any minute…clickity click down the hall in the tiny pink robe “I Swear to God, For Real, Exactly, hahaha because I’m so beautiful”
The Kellerman’s/ Faye & Jonathan
The Ritual Bath Grievous Sin
Sacred and Profane Sanctuary
The Quality of Mercy Justice
Milk and Honey Prayers for the Dead
Day of Atonement Serpent’s Tooth
False Prophet Moon Music
Jupiter’ Bones Find Alex Cross series
Stalker
The Forgotten
Stone Kiss
Street Dreams
Straight into Darkness
The Burnt House
The Mercedes Coffin
(shorts) The Garden of Eden and Other Criminal Delights
w/Jonathan: Double Homicide Capital Crimes
Also check on Laurel Hamilton’s Bullet
Plus George R.R. Martin’s 5th (A Dance with Dragons)
Research books on : composing a screenplay
Anti Christ/end of days
Already have JW bible
Need the find King James
THEOLOGY AND GOOGLE LATIN Version
Thanks Allie J
Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero means seize the day trusting as little as possible in the future
Mene from the book of Daniel
Tzarat-> Iashon harah
Spiritual lepresy -> gossips against his fellowman }manifests as body sores
Miriam against Moshe
Prophetess her brother
Otherwise it’s first warning sign is manifested on the wall
Criticized her brother
For not spending time at home ---à Immediate Tzarat-leprosy
　
KARMA is a naked bird!! J
Why do some people want to dye MY hair? I love my white hairs. Look, you take care of you and I’ll take care of Me J
　
Seven
Feast / festivals
Of Christ!!
Hashgacha Prostit---àGod watches over our every moment and our every movement.
The Sixteenth of October. Two really great ideas where given to paper. God was in my head and in my heart and the path was starting to become visible for me again, when I had lost it so many years ago. Murder mysteries still reign supreme in that they wrap your mind around logic by providing you with a puzzle. The woman in the tiny pink robe from the night before did indeed arrive talking to a different friend then the previous night, and she was badmouthing the previous friend to this new one. She alone was a character, one of many who would make an appearance in a group, on stage, all doing their parts simultaneously, like a three ring circus. Background music would be full of trumpets and chirping woodwinds and drums with symbals, especially the walk with the dancing pink robe and the click of those shoes on the ceramic tiles coming down the hall and across the dining room and then back out again. She certainly made an impression, with her micro braids, the skinny brows, the big lips with the mole on the dark chocolate skin, a plump ass at the bottom of her back, and the Jamaican accent. Oh and don’t forget the swag in the hips as she balanced on those tiny heels, phone glued to her ear.
There were so many interesting characters there. I said before and say it now REALITY SHOW OR MOCK YOU DRAMA OR STAGE PLAY . Exactly, I Swear to God, For Real.

　
And now for that little story I started back in 1992 or there about. It doesn’t have a title.
　
Monday at 7:42 am. There it is again, the pounding on the front door and the annoying repeated ringing of the doorbell. “Go away and leave me be” she whispers harshly. She’s not wanting to be heard, she’s smoking the pot she just bought, she’s hurting and just want to forget him. It had been years since she smoked the stuff and she was sitting yoga style on the floor in front of an old television console. She loaded the bong. She put the flame to the bowl and took a deep draw of smoke into her lungs and held it there. She could feel the expansion and then she exhaled the white cloud in a gust of coughs and sighs, watching the swirls.
What the hell was she doing, she thought. Pot, like that was the answer to the madness that was eating away at her head and breaking her heart. Again with the pounding, only she wasn’t sure anymore if it was her head or the door., She decided it was the door and that he would keep knocking for awhile longer and then go away but not for long. He would come back before 1 pm and start all over again. If I let him in I’m done, lost. He’ll touch me and I’ll crumble. Then the kissing will start at my lips to my neck and then the real battle will begin because he won’t stop there. She takes another hit and holds it in until she starts to turn blue as they used to say. She’s trying to be quiet after all, trying to pretend she’s not home. Silly, like the smoke is a dead give away. And he’s not going to like the smoke. He knows I gave that up years ago. Cigarettes and pot were no longer part of her life, She wasn’t a little girl anymore. Shecoughed. Damn!! He battered and beat on the door saying that she might as well let him in because he knew she was in there. Well she didn’t have to let him in and he could just beat away all he wanted. That was just so immature and so she put down the bong and went to the door.
As she walked across the room she could feel the cravings for him. It was torture to want someone in a frenzy like this, it was just too much. That’s why she left town, headed back home. That’s why she would leave him on the porch once he figured out where she was. He’s going to be so cruel to me, his kisses will be merciless. Then again, she liked the heat, the lust. How is it that two people burn so hot when they were together.
She stood at the window and took a breath. Then she peeked and melted,. So tall, his dark brown hair blowing in the wind, getting long about the shoulders…nice wide hard shoulders. She bites her lip. Large, tanned, muscled….not fair the way God put him together. Such a strong voice that he used so quietly. But the eyes, it was the eyes that would melt her on the spot. Almost black and fringed with dark lashes. Deep, dark, demanding, consuming…eyes that he would devour her with and they were looking at her right now. His mouth with such pretty lips, was set in a firm angry line. She turns the locks and then the doorknob and he pushes his way in like the hurricane that only he can be, reaches behind himself andcloses the door. She takes a breath, and then she shivers. She closes her eyes to avoid his and so she can’t see him reach for her. She feels those big vise-like hands capture her by the shoulders. She feels them slide down her arms, circle her wrists and move her hands and arms to the small of her back. He pulls her body hard up against his own and holds her tightly, resting his forehead against hers. She hears him take a breath, feels it on her face, all the while she’s holding hers.
He slides her wrists across each other and pushes her back with his head until she’s bowed, her hips pressing into his groin. “Look at me please”, so quiet, so gently said that again she shivers. “I need to see your eys”. She turns her head to the left, just a fraction. He continues to cross her arms behind her and lowers his mouth to the part of her neck she’s just exposed to him. He bites her and starts to suckle and nibble her flesh and she wriggles, the moan escaping before she can silence it. The more she wiggles the tighter he crosses her arms behind her, and he sucks and bites her neck and shoulder. The pain of it shoots up her arms and she tries to straighten her back but this forces her hips forward.
He brings her wrists up until her arms bend at the elbow. Her heads snaps back and he lowers his mouth to hers and he is cruel. He sucks her bottom lip into his mouth and then he bites. He forces her to part her teeth and invades her with his tongue. The taste of her blood mingled with marijuana only makes him press his mouth onto hers even harder. He sears across her face, neck and shoulders with an angry hunger, trying to consume every inch of her flesh before he suddenly releases her wrists and wraps his strong arms around her waist and back. He tilts her until her breast are at the right position for him to notice she isn’t wearing a bra. He can see the dark area of her nipples through her white t shirt, standing erect, beckoning.
She brings her hands up and pushes herself away from his chest, away from his angry mouth but he just tightens his grip on her. The more she resists him, the more he takes from her. Her shirt is in his teeth and he’s yanking, tearing. He releases her arms and takes handfuls of her shirt and pulls it up over her ribcage until her breasts are bared and lowers his mouth to the right and then the left, paying attention to each nipple until she, moaning, says “Damn you Taylor let me go”, a tear running down her cheek. She continues to beg but he’s lost his head now. He looks into her eyes and tells her “You know it’s gone too far now Sweets and I plan to be rough.” “ I will hear those sounds you make and I will make you call for me until we fall off that cliff together.“
THE BEGINNING
How the hell did she get herself into these situations? She had been working hard, long days and nights at her office, but no more than usual. It had to be that stupid book she was reading. Of course it was, how else could she explain the urge to go in search of her family heritage, the history and the mystery of it all. It was the weekend. She just wanted to go and check out the birth and death records at a neighboring town for the next two days. Then she would go back home with the information she had managed to gather and put more pieces of the puzzle in place. The entire drive roundtrip would have taken about eight hours. She just wanted to take it easy over the weekend, search at her leisure and not rush things. She had already called ahead and knew the place would be opened for her. She had to stop by the office manager’s place, a Ms. Rogers. She was expecting her and told her not to rush the drive and to just call when she was in town so she could make her some coffee. Nick liked her immediately and was looking forward to meeting her in person. Seems Ms. Rogers was familiar with some of the family’s history and was anxious to meet her too. She also said she had some pictures that might be of interest. Nick had secured a portable scanner and had two laptops with her and plenty of flash drives.
When she started tracing her family tree, it was because she was restless and she wanted to do something big to occupy her time. That was a year ago and she was so wrapped up in the Tree as she liked to call it, that her siblings were starting to get worried that she wasn’t “living” her life but history’s life. But Nick was wired like that. She would start a project and not stop until it was complete and she was able to stand back and say “Yes, it’s finally done.”

And now this. She stood beside the car, silently cursing the thing under her breath before moving into an outright tirade at the poor immobile thing. It was refusing to start and she had checked the battery, the spark plugs, she even kicked the thing. She still wasn't going any further in this car today. "I hate you and will scrap you first thing when I get home you stupid piece of" but she didn't finish that statement because she jumped when she heard a voice beside her say "Maybe I can help you." Nick hadn't heard him come up next to her. She wasn't even aware of him or noticed how close he had gotten to her. He was just THERE!!

Gaining her composure, Nick tells him she'll just call triple A and let them handle the thing. "I would appreciate it if you could maybe drop me off at a cafe somewhere near here." "I'm supposed to be meeting someone in the next town but I'm sure Ms. Rogers will understand." Why she said that out loud and to this man was beyond even her. She was rattled, he's startled her and she was taken by him. "Oh my God woman", she thought. "You need to get out more." She giggled and he just stared at her, studying her like a speciman under a microscope. She was trying to be subtle as she checked him out. Wow didn't cover it. Dark hair, dark eyes, tanned, tall, and muscular. F I N E , wow! He seemed to be checking her out too!! She asked him if maybe there was a service station along the way. He was looking at her mouth and she started to wonder if she had something in her teeth.

He finally spoke again, quiet and firm, deep voice saying "I know of a shop." "It's probably something simple and you'll be on the road by tomorrow." "Besides, I know Ms. Rogers and she'd be upset with me for not helping you out." Nick turned to this man beside her and smiling said "Ms. Rogers and I both would be upset." He had his hair in a ponytail that hung past his shoulder blades and it sure looked soft. But his eyes, so dark you couldn't see a pupil, were staring into hers and she wasn't sure if she was imagining things. For a moment there she thought she glimpsed desire. "You're in trouble girl", she thought. And then he smiled and said "Come with me into town and we'll get you and your car all squared away."

Okay, I stopped there because I think you can get the general idea of the book. It 's kinda mystery, romance nonsense but I may roll with it again, depends.

So, back to my problem with this place that's supposed to be a safe haven. What it appears like to me is that Ms. Payne decides who gets what, when and where and IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU, you get the boot.

It is my understanding that my blogs were printed and used to browbeat some of my new found relationships. It happened that November 17th of 2011, after my dental appointment and luncheon with friends. That's when Ms. Payne and minions watched my friends and one of these minions actually exited one of my friends while the whole INCIDENT put one of my friends in the hospital and another on the possible path back to her abuser. What the hell!! I wrote a complaint, I didn't receive a written response. The complaint ended up in Ms. Payne's hands not my case workers hands, which leads me to believe that one of Ms. Payne's lackey's in the Manager's office gave it to Ms. Payne. Ms. Payne didn't give me a satisfactory response withing five working days, instead she put me on the street. What a bitch. Ms. Payne already broke confidentiality agreements with me on October 28th of 2011. She created this mistrust and suspicion in me and then further complicated it on November 11th of 2011. Please do not give out information is not DON'T GIVE OUT INFORMATION. and since Ms. Payne is fond of violating my civil rights why should I care about Hers. I plan to distribute these chapters via internet, via handout and any other way I choose to get the point across to Ms. Payne, Her Supervisors Etc. that NO ONE TREATS PEOPLE IN THIS MANNER DISGUISED AS A HELPING HAND.

Today December the 8th of 2011 I find out that Ms. Payne doesn't want me on the premises. Fuck You Ms. Payne, go ahead a try to tamper with medical and dental provided to the homeless. Who the hell do you think you are. HIPPA baby. What are you gonna do, remove the clinic from your site? Gonna give back the donations from WellMed too? You are an arrogant piece of work and like I said IT'S PERSONAL NOW so pucker up the sphincter because I will not end it here. I will be writing for a copy of my file as is my right. I will be filing grievance after grievance after grievance with Community Based Counseling Program and Family Violence Prevention Services, Inc. and then I will go about getting this information to The Board of Directors. I will not stop until YOU are stopped, investigated, controlled, GONE!!!

So one day, when you're on Broadway, in the 7900 block and you see a tall black woman handing out her story, take one and pass it around. Take the words to heart, fight the injustice, get involved with these charities that are asking for your money, your sponsor ships, your time, your donations...check them out thoroughly...research them on the internet, take polls, DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO MAKE SURE THAT ALL THESE WOMEN AND CHILDREN ARE INDEED SAFE AND GETTING THE HELP THEY ALL NEED. Read it, talk about it, discuss it openly, feel free to dissect it.

A Sheltered Life Chapter 14

Tweet Tweet Post Post

I owe several women at the shelter an apology//repercussions, recoil, rebound I love u all for sticking it out
22 Nov

can it be true, is Ms Bobbi Payne on the way out the door?
22 Nov

Man accused of sexually assaulting acquaintance - San Antonio Express-News http://www.mysanantonio.com/news/local_news/article/Man-accused-of-sexually-assaulting-acquaintance-2257566.php
via @mySA met this woman,might be false tale
18 Nov

Check this video out -- For the Birds Pixar Short Movie http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Cers3vJcos&feature=share via @youtube 10-16-2011 KARMA Is a Naked Bird was born :)
18 Nov

Ms Bobbi Payne has done it again, placed another woman & child on the street because of a written complaint just today
17 Nov

if you knew there was meningitis,kids with facial herpes and suspected staph what would you do?
15 Nov

Ms Bobbi Payne is definitely worried cuz she's on the attack so do something to stop her madness
14 Nov

the ripples are happening at BWCS//help me stop them before more women end up on the street with nowhere 2 go
14 Nov

kabb tv, i sent you my emails, be expecting calls from the contacts listed&act now not 15 years from now like penn state
14 Nov

my friends are being threatened by residents at BWCS, their lives are being messed with by staff namely Bobbi Payne//es verdad
14 Nov

when i called the BWCS to once again request the return of my mace and pocketknife i was referred to Ms Bobbi Payne, who was busy AGAIN
14 Nov

not gonna stop letting the public know about you Ms. Bobbi Payne. You give BWCS a bad name. most of its staff cares about the abused
12 Nov

i also have it on good sources that my "naked birds" group is being watched and harrassed//es verdad
12 Nov

this same woman @BWCS sends her four yr old son to school there without shoes and a jacket but no one says anything about it?
12 Nov

how come this same woman can leave four plates of food on the dining room table@BWCS uneaten,only to be thrown away by staff?
12 Nov

why is it ok to leave your three children ages 7 months to five yrs alone in your room@BWCS while you stay upstairs with your lover?
12 Nov

Elderly or Disabled abuse call 1-800-252-5400
12 Nov

we know you're watching the naked birds and waiting to pounce Ms. Bobbi Payne ? is what r u hiding
12 Nov

Ms. Bobbi Payne is putting abused women and their children thru hell right now//threatened over job or just on a powertrip
12 Nov

all rumors at the shelter that i drive a silver honda are false//at a shelter, NO INCOME.came here in pajamas via SAPD Duh!!
10 Nov

reflecting on a pixar short here at the shelter during a discussion about bad choices i made a connection with 'karma is a naked bird' :)
10 Nov

satx males, confirmed that u can come to the battered womens shelter and get help, they have a place for u :)
10 Nov

update//satx males and kids of domestic violence Salvation Army Hope Ctr210-352-2000 Catholic Wkr.House @ 210-224-7736
8 Nov

still hoping to get information on where a man and children go in satx to avoid domestic violence
8 Nov

http://www.tyla.org has so many videos to help you or someone you know. Use them
8 Nov

while you visit http://www.tyla.org VIEW The Little Voice Tx.Child Abuse Hotline@1-800-252-5400 National Child Abuse Hotline@1-800-422-4453
8 Nov

free download on domestic violence at http://www.tyla.org///are you abused or maybe you're an abuser, Hmmmmmm
8 Nov

of course you know i don't really have a laptop here, not technically, as these messages come from a netbook, technically um'kay ;)
8 Nov

i will continue to post and blog about the inconsistencies here at the battered women and children shelter until i get exited
8 Nov

apparently the ladies @ BWCS feel victimized by the staff when complaining about such things///es verdad
8 Nov

i got a request for a blog /why r male staff allowed to enter rooms at BWCS without knocking on the door? more 2 follow
8 Nov

Texas Council on Family Violence @ http://www.TCFV.org Texas Association Against Sexual Assault @ www. http://TAAASA.org
8 Nov

uh oh, starting trouble at the shelter again////es verdad ;)
8 Nov

who do you have to go to to get approval for an electronic device in the battered women's shelter ? anybody?
8 Nov

The National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673(HOPE) The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233(SAFE)
8 Nov

so now you see why i ask you to stand up for those who need help. it is vital that you do all you can to protect the weak.
8 Nov

SAPD: Man showed off gun before sexually assaulting his date http://www.kens5.com/news/Police-Man-used-gun-to-intimidate-woman-into-sexual-assault-133433678.html
8 Nov

so a woman comes to the shelter and says the police didn't believe her allegations of sexual assault because she's in a wheelchair!?
8 Nov

here's a tip about boundaries...don't walk up to a complete stranger and put your hands thru their hair to see if it's real um'kay!
7 Nov

just remember, if you didn't see it or hear it, IT didn't happen at the shelter///that's a fact!!
6 Nov

go by MILAN @ 6804 Ingram Rd. and ask for Kiana, tell her Ms Bobbie sent you!!!!
6 Nov

i shall be single by spring///so looking forward to having my own room, lol:)
4 Nov

started writing and drawing again. and i love the freedom to read w/out feeling guilty. I'm me again :)
3 Nov

communal life at a battered women's shelter is just like living with bickering siblings///es verdad :)
2 Nov

healing and forgiving myself takes time so i've left home///wish me luck
9 Oct

HRoberta Bowers Smith
left home//at a shelter//wish me luck :)
Like · · Share · October 31 at 9:31pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
i started writing and drawing again. and i love the freedom to read w/out feeling guilty. I'm me again :)
Like · · Share · November 3 at 11:26pm via Digsby

HRoberta Bowers Smith
everywhere, all the time, be aware and do what's right
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xgDfMkziSQ&feature=share
www.youtube.com
Like · · Share · November 10 at 11:23am

HRoberta Bowers Smith
adding chapter five the incident//will change names that aren't mine to share but es verdad :)
Like · · Share · November 10 at 6:52pm via Digsby

HRoberta Bowers Smith
let the underground info begin//bwcs put several women on the street today,veterans day i was one of those women
Like · · Share · November 12 at 1:20am via Digsby

HRoberta Bowers Smith
The residential director at the battered women and children shelter should be worried, because i'm going to expose her for what she really is, a smug ex addict with too much power///es verdad
Like · · Share · November 12 at 6:41am via Digsby

HRoberta Bowers Smith
why is it ok to leave your three children ages 7 months to five yrs alone in your room@BWCS while you stay upstairs with your lover?
Like · · Share · November 12 at 1:37pm via Digsby

HRoberta Bowers Smith
why is it that i can get thrown out of BCWS for complaining about the harrassment my roommates suffer from our suite mates but the woman next door on her umteenth final notice is still there?
Like · · Share · November 12 at 1:43pm via Digsby

HRoberta Bowers Smith
did I mention that Ms Bobbi Payne lied about referring me to Salvation Army Hope Ctr. I am now a homeless battered woman who refuses to go back to my batterer
Like · · Share · November 12 at 1:45pm via Digsby

HRoberta Bowers Smith
i have since learned that Ms Bobbi Payne and staff are telling residents @ BWCS that cameras are being installed in the rooms//privacy violation or joke?
Like · · Share · November 12 at 1:47pm via Digsby

HRoberta Bowers Smith
not cool to put a woman&kids on the street because she didn't provide you with her discharge papers from the hospital that BCWS could easily have called to verify
Like · · Share · November 12 at 1:50pm via Digsby

HRoberta Bowers Smith
one of the resident's son was given a noncontagious verdict on thursday, the mom appears to have a staph infection and people are complaining
Like · · Share · November 12 at 5:45pm via Digsby

HRoberta Bowers Smith
Ms. Bobbi Payne of the BWCS has done it again, placed another woman & child on the street just for filing a written complaint, happened today to a friend of mine whom I lunched with after my dental appointment
Like · · Share · November 17 at 6:55pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
have left a message at FVPS to let them know whom we suspect will be next over the next two weeks and that this egomaniacal woman needs to be investigated. I also reminded them of their own policy regarding the grievance
Like · · Share · November 17 at 6:56pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
POLICY: Clients, residents and nonresidents of The Family Violence Prevention Services, Inc. have the right to a grievance procedure. A grievance can be initiated for any complaint or issue related to FVPS, Inc.
Like · · Share · November 17 at 6:59pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
Procedure: The grievance procedure must follow the following steps in order.
Like · · Share · November 17 at 6:59pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
‎1. First, the client must address the grievance issue, face to face, with the appropriate staff person involved.
Like · · Share · November 17 at 7:00pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
‎2. If the grievance is not resolved to the clients' satisfaction, the client can then submit a written grievance to the staff person's supervisor. The supervisor must respond in writing to the client within 5 working days.
Like · · Share · November 17 at 7:02pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
‎3. If still unsatisfied, the client may appeal the written grievance within three working days to the next level of supervisory. The written appeal must explain what has happened to date with copies of all appropriate correspondence.
Like · · Share · November 17 at 7:04pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
‎3. continued: This process continues to the next level of Supervisory, up to the Executive Director. At each level, the client has three working days to appeal the grievance to the next level of supervisors and each supervisor has 5 working days to respond in writing to the client.
Like · · Share · November 17 at 7:05pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
‎3. continued: Extensive circumstances may necessitate an extension of these time lines. If so, the two parties will agree to a reasonable extension.
Like · · Share · November 17 at 7:07pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
‎4. The final appeal for a client's grievance is to the Executive Director of FVPS, Inc. The Executive Director's decision is final and binding.
Like · · Share · November 17 at 7:08pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
‎5. The grievance process does not prevent the client from being "exited for cause" immediately if ther is a reasonable reason to do so. The client can continue the prevance procedure when no longer a resident, with the possibility of re-entry.
Like · · Share · November 17 at 7:09pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
‎6. FVPS, Inc. will insure that any client who wishes assistance in preparing a written grievance will receive help. FVPS, Inc. will either provide neutral staff or volunteers, or make other arrangements.
Like · · Share · November 17 at 7:11pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
TO FILE A GRIEVANCE, PLEASE WRITE TO;
Community Based Counseling Program
One Haven for Hope Way, Bldg. 3
San Antonio, Texas 78207 210-220-2525 OR
Like · · Share · November 17 at 7:14pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
WRITE TO:
Family Violence Prevention Services, Inc.
7911 Broadway
San Antonio, Texas 78209
210-930-3669
Like · · Share · November 17 at 7:15pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
If client does not understand English, please have someone explain in Spanish.
Wp.forms.doc
Rev. 4/10
Like · · Share · November 17 at 7:17pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
well now you all have the "Client Grievance Policy" that the Battered Women and Children Shelter's legal advocate hands out to ALL the residents when they come into the shelter and complete a mandatory First Seven Days checklist.
Like · · Share · November 17 at 7:19pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
Let's dissect this piece of tripe shall we. You only get three working days to complain if unsatisfied BUT the SUPERVISOR (Ms. Bobbi Payne in this case) gets 5. I have yet to receive anything in writing from her. That's number 2. in the policy that has been breached.
Like · · Share · November 17 at 7:22pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
You get three working days to appeal to the next level, in writing. Now we all know that local mail will cut that short right off the bat. And as far as copies or PROOF, yeah right!! And that brings me back to THEY GET 5 working days to respond in writing to the client. UmKay!!
Like · · Share · November 17 at 7:25pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
As for number 5's "exited for cause" immediately if there is a reasonable reason to do so statement. I shall now post the following information given to me on my intake or as they call it BWCS Residential Orientation, which they urge you to keep for your records. Thank You! Never tell a detail oriented person to keep such things for their records, lol
Like · · Share · November 17 at 7:32pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
Paragraph four: TERMINATION POLICY At some point, you will leave this emergency shelter. The Shelter staff will assist you with referrals when you exit., The Director of Residential Services, your caseworker, and you determine the date you will exit the shelter. When possible, an exit interview is completed before you leave.
Like · · Share · November 17 at 7:36pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
TERMINATION POLICY continued in bold type: Immediate exits for clients living at the shelter include abusive behaviors towards staff or other clientss, bringing weapons to the shelter facility, under the influence of alcohol and or drugs.
Like · · Share · November 17 at 7:40pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
Paragraph 7 of the BWCS Residential Orientation:
GRIEVANCE PROCEDURES Please review the Grievance Procedures. Our policy is that all clients are provided with a client grievance (complaint) process. Client grievances can be started for any complaint a client has during their stay here at the shelter. We want you to be satisfied with our services. We are very interested in your opinions. Please let us know if we can improve our services.
Like · · Share · November 17 at 7:45pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
Because of safety issues, you may be asked to move out of the shelter for:Violating the weapons policy,Violating the alcohol/drug policy,Violating the non-violence policy,Violating the confidentiality policy,Leaving your children alone in the shelter, Continued violation of the Daily Living Agreement,Committing criminal acts while staying at the shelter,Stealing from the shelter or other residents,Continuing to cause conflicts in the shelter that jeopardize the safety and well-being of others.
Like · · Share · November 17 at 7:53pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
Hmmm, when i went into the shelter, i gave my pink canister of mace and my fathers' pocket knife to the lovely woman (hi Ms Leslie)who did my intake. I told her that these were indeed weapons for protection and we both agreed that it would be best to leave them in her care for storage. Now, today, I find that Ms. Bobbi Payne has given them to an Officer Garcia (apparently a friend of hers from back in the day) as per Ms. Sandra in the managers office at BWCS
Like · · Share · November 17 at 7:59pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
I also want it on file that I asked for the return of these items on Friday, Nov. 11th of 2011, Veterans Day. The same exact day that Ms Bobbi Payne claimed she had REFERRED me to the Salvation Army Hope Center (threw me on the street in front of the Hope Center). They were still there, in the managers office prior to my immediate exit, i find that very interesting indeed!!
Like · · Share · November 17 at 8:03pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
Now she will target two other individuals this week and next, mark my words. FVPS, Inc. has received my voice messages I'm sure, including the one from Friday, Veterans Day November 11, 2011 in front of the Salvation Army Hope Center. Yeah, I'm gonna keep harping on that little ditty forever Ms. Payne. :)
Like · · Share · November 17 at 8:06pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
October 16, 2011 while sitting in the dining room at BWCS with Mary and Connie, we made this observation about the goings on around us and our sorority was born. KNB rules!! Karma is a Naked Bird :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1GKbvG0wzw&feature=share
www.youtube.com

HRoberta Bowers Smith
Ms. Bobbi Payne, Residential Director at the Battered Women and Children Shelter is an enemy of FREE SPEECH! Fight for your right to be heard!!
Like · · Share · November 18 at 10:51am via iGoogle Gadget

HRoberta Bowers Smith
Sorry to disappoint you Mr Arriaga but this woman in your blog is not a good person. Seriah Stone is on her way to FVPs, Inc. as the face of KNB and an active advocate for the women and children in the shelter that this woman is stealing voices and rights from. Stop this maniac as soon as possible.
Incite Blogger: Bobbi Payne Director of Residential Services for the BWCS
inciteblogger.blogspot.com
Like · · Share · November 18 at 11:08am

HRoberta Bowers Smith
Women in the Battered Women and Children Shelter are afraid of being tossed on the street for standing up for thier rights. Fight for your freedom of speech
Like · · Share · November 18 at 6:42pm via Digsby

HRoberta Bowers Smith
i've been blogging and one day, this November of 2011 I walked into the library to write and I found this :)
NaNoWriMo Author Sponsorship
www.stayclassy.org
NaNoWriMo Author Sponsorship at in on September 1, 2011 benefiting The Office of Letters and Light.
Like · · Share · November 20 at 10:48am
Roberta K Bowers Smith
I need sponsors for NaNoWriMo via www.stayclassy.org so if you can please help an aspiring writer out,
Unlike · · See Friendship · November 20 at 12:08pm near San Antonio

HRoberta Bowers Smith wrote a recommendation for Family Violence Prevention Services, Inc.
I truly believe that this place can help :)
Family Violence Prevention Services, Inc.
Social Services · Health · San Antonio, Texas
11 were here · 1,490 likes
Like · · November 22 at 10:43am
RECENT ACTIVITY

HRoberta posted a link to Family Violence Prevention Services, Inc.'s Wall.

HRoberta Bowers Smith
still telling the world :)
kapualani59: A Sheltered Life Chapter 7.1
kapualani59.blogspot.com
Like · · Share · November 22 at 6:44pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith
chapter ten is up
kapualani59
kapualani59.blogspot.com
Like · · Share · November 24 at 9:53pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith shared a link.
kapualani59: A Sheltered Life Chapter 9
kapualani59.blogspot.com
Like · · Share · November 24 at 6:33pm

HRoberta Bowers Smith shared a link.
kapualani59: A Sheltered Life Chapter 8
kapualani59.blogspot.com
Like · · Share · November 24 at 3:36am
There are posts on Youtube, dailymotion and myspace as well, and I have two facebook, myspace, twitter, youtube sites. Then there's Google, Google+, and blogspot.com. I am very fond of Digsby. So bring it on, bring on the unjust treatment. Try to take away the voices of the women and children there.
And just an update: I've not heard from Seriah, or Connie, or Mary for days and some for over a week now. Mary sent me a text on Thanksgiving, Connie called me on the 21st of November, and Seriah was the 18th of November. Am I worried, yes, Am I worried unnecessarily, Yes. I really hope they are fine and all is well.
I met with my case manager on November 28th and I am so glad I did. Small steps.
Oh and then there is this little letter dates November 17, 2011

FAMILY VIOLENCE PREVENTION SERVICES, INC.
Battered Women and Children's Shelter of Bexar County
　
November 17, 2011
VIA US FIRST CLASS MAIL
Roberta Smith
xxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
San Antonio, Texas XXXXX
Dear Roberta:
You applied for out services requesting assistance with a divorce. You told us that you recently separated from you husband of 27 years, that he was abusive towards you, and that you do not have minor children or property with him. Due to caseload limits and limited staff, our office cannot offer you representation in a divorce case at this time. However, we can offer you the following advice.
Your most pressing problem appears to be the threat of family violence. If your husband again becomes threatening or abusive, you may request a protective order from the court in the area where you reside. You can request assistance in obtaining a protective order by contacting the Bexar County District Attorney's Office at 210-208-6824. That office can request a Protective Order on your behalf, asking a judge to issue a court order to prevent future violence.
You can consider consulting with a private attorney or legal aid if you wish to pursue a divorce at this time. If you need of assistance in locating a private attorney in your area, you can call the Lawyer Referral Information Service of the State Bar of Texas toll-free at 1-800-252-9690. If you would like legal aid, you can contact Texas RioGrande Legal Aid, Inc., at 1-888-988-9996.
This concludes our advice at this time. Please contact us if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Julia Raney Rodriquez
Attorney/Director of Legal Services
Family Violence Prevention Services
7911 Broadway
San Antonio, Texas 78209

I met with Legal Advocate Representative Kim Salazar at The BWCS on October 13, 2011 and received a copy of my police report from her on October 18, 2011. The request falls under uncontested divorce and once filed would have taken about 120 days from start to finish to complete. What I see, and smell is an attempt to brush me under the carpet. I also find it funny that I get a letter regarding the Divorce but not one returned phone call made to FVPS, INC. has ever been returned. Interesting is it not? UmHmm.

As for Texas RioGrande Legal Aid,Inc., having called them in the past which means using a phone with unlimited calling minutes because you WILL be calling and calling and calling and calling before an actual human picks up the call, this person will sound so tired and be so irritated that you might MIGHT get advice and they might MIGHT call you back, so be prepared to stick it out over a good length of time umkay. I do know of one, ONE person whom they have helped...short Hispanic woman, three kids, living with my elder son, just saying.

I had those divorce papers at the house, got them off the internet so I guess I'll just look for them again, see how much it costs to go to the courthouse and file them at the clerks office, while I place repeated calls to TRGLA, Inc. to see how much time I can cut off their busy schedules by already having the paperwork filled out and ready to go. Smartass One signing off, for now.

A Sheltered Life Chapter 13

CLASH, BANG, BA-DA-BOOM

Let us talk about Ms. Bobbi Payne and I, shall we, hahaha. Ahem..to say that I hate this person is misleading. She's probably a nice person to those who are her family and "friends". She appears to be a normal, intelligent woman. I don't understand the two toned hair coloring but that's just my take on ALL multi-colored hair. I mean PICK A COLOR already, sheesh. With the exception of gray, or is it grey, oh whatever, it's just not natural. It should never be permanent and it should be natural colors as opposed to pink, blue, green, etc. I did mention that I'm a bit anal retentive (1) right? Or is it obsessive compulsive? (2) No wait it's bipolar...DANGIT now I have to look them up and add the definitions. Either way I feel the need to fix it because it doesn't look right. Okay WHATEVER!

Now let's see, where was I, oh yeah, she's probably a nice person really. She just has a few flaws just me and you. She's been treated badly and had to struggle to survive. At least that's what the blog about her said...the one by Mr. Charles Arriaga, INCITEBLOGGER,http://inciteblogger.blogspot.com/2011/08/bobbi-payne-director-of-residential.htm).

I especially found the part about the new kittens interesting (Chapter Six THE RIPPLES, Chapter Eight REAPING THE SOWN) and here it is for your amusement:

Friday, August 12, 2011

Bobbi Payne Director of Residential Services for the BWCS

Bobbi Payne

Director of Residential Services for the BWCS

By Charles Arriaga, Incite Blogger

While waiting to interview Bobbi Payne, Director of Residential Services for the Battered Women and Children’s Shelter (BWCS), the receptionist Lourdes, was so excited about a mother cat that had just given birth to her kittens. It was a sign of a new life that signaled a new beginning at a facility designed just for that purpose.

Yes, I am going to go off subject on this one, HELL YEAH!! So Read ON:

Toxoplasmosis (tox-oh-plaz-moh-sis) is an infection caused by a tiny parasite called Toxoplasma gondii. It lives in the intestines of animals such as cats and pigs.

You can get toxoplasmosis in the following ways:

• By swallowing the parasite in cat litter or dirt that has cat droppings in it. This can happen if you put your hands to your mouth after gardening,cleaning a cat litter box or touching anything that has been in contact with cat droppings. Cats sometimes carry the parasite that causes toxoplasmosis, especially if they hunt animals or are fed raw meat. (Playgrounds and smoking areas, UM HMMM!)
• By eating raw or undercooked meat, especially pork, lamb or wild game.
• By touching something, such as a cutting board or dish, that has been in contact with raw or undercooked meat and then putting your hands in or near your mouth.
• By eating unwashed raw fruits and vegetables, or drinking water with the parasite in it.

Most people have no symptoms because their immune system keeps the parasite from causing illness. Sometimes people who have toxoplasmosis experience flu-like symptoms, such as:

• Swollen lymph nodes
• Fatigue
• Headache
• Body aches
• Fever

In people who have a weak immune system, toxoplasmosis can cause serious medical problems, such as:

• Confusion
• Blurry vision
• Trouble with balance and coordination
• Seizures
• Problems with the lungs

Your immune system can become weak for a number of reasons. Human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) infection leading to acquired immunodeficiency syndrome (AIDS) can weaken the immune system. So can some kinds of cancer chemotherapy or medicines that are taken after an organ transplant.

If you become infected while pregnant, your unborn child may also become infected. Infected babies may not develop any disease, or they may become very ill, with serious damage to the brain and eyes.

If you have been infected previously (at least 6 to 9 months before your pregnancy) with toxoplasma, you will develop immunity to it. The infection will not be active when you become pregnant, and so there is rarely a risk to your baby.

Routine screening for toxoplasmosis is not recommended. However, if you are at risk for toxoplasmosis because you have a weak immune system, your doctor might want you to have a blood test.

Toxoplasmosis is usually treated with antibiotics.

Source:Congenital Toxoplasmosis by J Jones, M.D., M.P.H., A Lopez, M.H.S. and M Wilson, M.S. (American Family Physician May 15, 2003, http://www.aafp.org/afp/20030515/2131.html)

I have repeatedly written about Pregnant women and their children throughout these blogs. I have mentioned the smoking area and the pregnant women in them (5), with their children. The cats love to stay near the smoking area and some of the women love to pet and pamper them, AND FEED THEM. You can spot the chicken bones, dishes and cat bowls throughout the WHOLE playground/smoking/picnic area, THE WHOLE AREA!! There are bowls and cans of catfood as you come into the shelter. Note, It's not just cats eating from these bowls and dishes and cans. There are skunks, opossums, and raccoon there as well. People coming into the shelter first develop a cough, then sore throat, fever and aches. ALL newcomers develop these symptoms, which the clinic treats with amoxicillin and luden's cough drops. YEAH RIGHT. So you see why I HAVE A PROBLEM with the cats, the feces, the playground, and the pregnant women. Let's face it, kids will have touched their eyes, nose and mouth about a dozen times before you can get them to the sink to wash their hands, all the while on the way to the sink they have touched EVERYTHING. Which is why I carried Hand Sanitizer with me and still do. And can we say washing the hands like an obsessed person. And I wasn't the obsessive one in my group of four Birds. But we all carried something to keep our hands clean, always.

OKAY, back to where I started, again. Let me see, blah blah, nice person, blah blah cats, ah the blog by Mr. Arriaga. It's just that money and power corrupts. She rose from sadness to the possibility of greatness. But she misused this power. She used ti to literally shit all over a system that was designed to help others like herself rise above THEIR sadness, anger, hurt, distress, and reach the rungs of the ladder that leads upward and away from all of that. While helping hundreds of women and children along this path, She fed her flaws, her ego, her Id(4) with the knowledge that she could also destroy a persons hopes, if only for a little while. I say that because a strong person like me will only whimper a bit when you strike her and then reach for something to strike back. If you try to take away My voice, I'll resort to other means, such as writing. Either way, I am going to get my point across. Right now, it's writing that I do best. I can speak, but it isn't like writing, where you can edit things out or rearrange the words so that the English experts don't come and tap you on the shoulder and cry foul. But speech, on a spontaneous level, can't really be edited. First of all, what if someone walks away while you are in the middle of this spontaneous oral work and they get the wrong impression. Secondly, you look like a blithering idiot when you try to backstroke and delete in real time. Besides, my mouth seems to get me in trouble most of the time. But the written word also gets me in trouble too. Look what happened with Ms. Bobbi Payne and my written complaint. I have others you know, I just never turned them in at the manager's office. Let me share some of them with you here.

RESIDENT COMPLAINT ABOUT ANOTHER RESIDENT(S) (this heading always makes me laugh because it EXCLUDES the words THE STAFF, which indicates to me that the BWCS definitely, de- de-definitely did NOT want to hear the complaints in regards to themselves)

If you have a complaint or question about something that has occurred between you and another resident while you are staying at the Shelter, the first step is to talk to your case manager and/or use this form.

Please follow the steps below:

Your Name: Roberta K. Smith

Your Case Manager's Name: Analy Galvan

Details about the situation or concern: After the unfortunate incident that I was dragged through by the staff here on 10-28-11, I want to point out, again, that the real problem was still not addressed to my satisfaction, ie "unsupervised"/Non Custodial children in the PC Lab with NO STAFF MEMBER IN ATTENDANCE. It has happened repeatedly, I have witnessed it myself, it was verbally mentioned while the staff member was there during the "speaker phone" talk that I was DRAGGED to which involved Ms. Bobbi Payne.

Name(s) of the resident(s) involved: myself and staff and the resident's of BWCS

Date of the issue or dispute: 10-28-11

How would like to see this resolved? (not a typo, that is how the form appears, for real) I'm sure alot of the mother's here are upset with me for bringing "Victor" under the microscope but I would like you to assure that these children in the shelter are not left unsupervised. You need to also keep in mind that although some parents here are content to let their offspring blatantly break the rules and some even assist in the breaking of these rules, there are parents here who are diligent and act responsibly and they are, and their children are being left open for attacks, threats, and abuse at the hands of the irresponsible.

Your signature: Roberta K Smith Date: 10-29-11

Please fold and staple this form and give it directly to your case manager or slide it underneath the case manager's door to ensure your privacy. (It really states that)

Then there's this one.

RESIDENT COMPLAINT ABOUT ANOTHER RESIDENT(S)

If you have a complaint or question about something that has occurred between you and another resident while you are staying at the Shelter, the first step is to talk to your case manager and/or use this form.

Please follow the steps below:

Your Name: Roberta K., Smith

Your Case Manager's Name: Analy Galvan

Details about the situation or concern: please reference page 1 or 2 of the "Resident's Daily Living Agreement" numbers 4 and 5 specifically in regards to the children. The bold type in particular which I quote now verbatim:

#4 I will supervise my children at all times and remain aware of both their location and activities. (with the following excerpt there verbatim)I will not leave my child unattended in the dining room, children's building, children's TV room, courtyard, hallways, lobby area, or the front of the facility.

#5 I will have my children in our room by 8 p.m. daily.

(I said verbatim and I wrote as such)

Name(s) of the resident(s) involved: BWCS residents in total about 3% now residing here. I won't give you names but tapes are available for viewing by STAFF I believe and have so been told. So pick randomly and then roll forward to 8 pm on any given day.

Date of the issue or dispute: 10-5-11 to present

How would like to see this resolved? I would love to have some quiet time or adult time, as I used to say to my children when they were the ages of most of the children I see here, to speak freely without offending "little ears" with either colorful language or adult content. But I see that the above #4 and #5 guidelines have somehow become this mongrel version of "take them to the room and leave them there while I go to the dining room to hang out" or "bring them with me after 8:30 pm and since I'm there, the children aren't really unattended". It's a catch 22 and it's up to You, The Staff to rectify and reinforce this situation. I'm sure that many complaint have been filed just as I am sure there will be more in the future. My real concern is for the children tat are being left in the rooms alone and unsupervised and how it isn't fair for the irresponsible to dump their children on another Mom.

Your signature: Roberta K. Smith Date: 10-29-11

Please fold and staple this form and give it directly to your case manager or slide it underneath the case manager's door to ensure your privacy. (first of all there's a code key door to get to your case manager's office plus you have to go through Lourdes to get the door opened during the day AND you are encouraged to turn these little ditties in AT THE MANAGER'S OFFICE)

Or,

RESIDENT COMPLOAINTG ABOUT ANOTHER RESIDENT(S)

If you have a complaint or question about something that has occurred between you and another resident while you are staying at the Shelter, the first step is to talk to your case manager and/or use this form.

Please follow the steps below:

Your Name: Roberta K. Smith

Your Case Manager's Name: Analy Galvan

Details about the situration or concern: "In case of fire, strollers are not permitted in the dining area so we can ensure a safe evacuation if necessary." "En caso de incendio, carriolas no son permitidas en el comedor para asegurarnos do una evacuacion segura si es necesaria"(don't look at me, that's how the sign reads)

Also, why can't we sit outside on the patio in back of the dining room? The door is easy to get out of but then it locks so you can't get back in. And the light fixture is broken on the lamp post,.

Name(s) of the resident(s) involved:

Date of the issue or dispute: 10-5-11 to present

How would like to see this resolved? It's a catch 22. Some of these women have multiple children and they are not at the toddler stage yet so it's an engma.

As far as the patio, that's up to Staff, and also whether I feel like setting off the alarm (done that) and walking all the way back around to get back into the dining room (done that three times in one day just to see who was paying attention), which means hopping the fence that is sometimes unlocked and unchained by the way (ie, patio near back fence with barbeque grills on it)

Your signature: Roberta K. Smith Date: 10-29-11

Please fold and staple this form and give it directly to your case manager or slide it underneath the case manager's door to ensure your privacy.

Now, if you recall from Chapter five THE INCIDENT, it was Ms. Payne's suggestion to me that I slip my information regarding the who, what and where or certain individuals UNDER HER DOOR. So I am going to assume she had some part in the preparation of this complaint form OR she took her idea from the form itself.

Now, after October 28, 2011, I had planned to submit a landslide of these "complaints" but I got cramps in my hands so I stopped writing them after number twelve, yes I said twelve. One was so long, it became Chapter 5. I covered, clothing vouchers not being met, the laundry rooms and THE UNSUPERVISED children who break the washing machines, lovers who love in a room filled with children, the lack of any sort of News Source, why we have wifi and can't have laptops, why an item gets posted on the Calender in the hallway only to never take place. It was quite an exhaustive stack of paper. I still have blank ones as I may want to mail some to the FVPS, Inc. and I'm still thinking of picketing in front of the building just to gain attention to my blogs and what's not right with the shelter, the part no one seems to be interested in. It makes good copy and a good news story when there is a charity involved BUT NOT if there's a complaint or several complaints. It appears to me that no one really gives a flying fuck what the hell goes on inside the damned place as long as it looks OH SO GREAT on the news with the pretty little pictures of the Smiling Staff members and the Philanthropist of the Week all standing in front of the camera......Breathe. Just breathe in and out.

To say I get heated under the collar is an understatement. I get friggin; pissed is what I DO! I want to run up and down the damned streets with a bullhorn in my hand yelling false prophets and liars and sadists run the BWCS, that's what I want to do. And that is in fact what this is all about.

People like Payne are all so fake. They love attention and will hide all that is wrong, to the detriment of any individual who gets in the way. They don't really care about these people, they care about themselves and their own IMAGE. Mrs. Stubbs was right to tell Brian the You were trouble and to stay away from you Ms. Payne. Even nice people can be mean, but you even take that to a whole new level.

So sit back and pat yourself on that boney little back of yours, with your two toned her and your crappy Spanish. Keep refusing to face the messes you make and the promises you break. Keep spitting on people and setting them out on the street, with their kids. Keep taking credit for the works of sincerity that your staff bestows on the residents of that gorgeously fucked up shelter. Keep giving out false information and unwritten rules and keep cultivating that grey/gray area, that pit that you throw out there for lack of anything better to say. Keep practicing in front of the mirror with that smile on your face so it will reach the voice you use to spew your tripe. And I will always remember you fondly just the way I have written about you right here. If there is an example of The law of Sensitive Dependence Upon Initial Conditions (Edward Lorenz 1963 The Butterfly Effect and I thank you Ms. Analy Galvan) then let us agree to keep flapping those wings. Let us also agree that the ripples are still going, still spreading and if I have any say in the matter will stay on the net, on the web and on paper for all to see for eternity. it will certainly stay on my mind.

(1)anal retentive (Source:http://www.urbandictionary.com) A mild form of obsessive-compulsive disorder. A collection of very irritating personality traits that include stubbornness, orderliness, and a desire to control others and their surroundings. It makes a person meticulous or fixated about little things, nit-picking or paying extreme attention to detail, and trying to control his or her environment and other people. They do things “by the book’’ with no flexibility in the way they complete tasks, and expect others to do and think as they. It’s their way or the highway, basically. They are the worst people to work for or live with. My roommate is a good example. He irons his underwear because he doesn’t want the wrinkles, assuming people will see them or care. He always must have his room spotless in every detail, including making his bed to perfection before going to work. Before he puts dishes in the dishwasher, he washes them thoroughly, defeating his purpose for the dishwasher. And he must have the dishes in the washer sitting at a certain angle, for fear they wont get cleaned. He will also literally pick tiny particles from the living room carpet, before using the vacuum cleaner. Psychologists say that anally retentive people’s habits—often controlling—stem from lack of being breast fed as an infant. Basically, people who are anally retentive act like they have something up their butt. Instead, they need to see a psyciatrist. And if things don’t go their way, they go nuts! Anally retentive people are usually very annoying as a result and may have a hard time making and keeping friends. NOTE TO READERS, I laughed when I found this and absolutely felt the need to share it with you. I am not this bad but I do the bed making dish thing and I have absolutely no problem making and keeping friends, at least I don't think I do.

(2) obsessive compulsive disorder (Source:http://www.urbandictionary.com) Is a fairly common problem where people experience ‘obsessions’, recurring unwanted thoughts which are difficult to stop, and ‘compulsions’, rituals of checking behaviour or repetitive actions which are carried out in an attempt to relieve the thoughts.
Jocelyn has obsessive compulsive disorder, and checks the door 16 times to make sure it is locked. NOTE TO READERS, I most definitely am not this bad. The most I check something is two to four times, lol! No really!!

(3)bipolar disorder (Source: http://www.urbandictionary.com) AKA manic-depressive disorder. This is when a person gets really sad for some time, crying for no reason, contemplating suiceide, avoiding people, stuff like that. Then, one day it'll be over and they'll be all happy-go-crazy and stuff, buying a lot of stuff, turning promiscuous, and showing a general ecstacy and lack of foresight. This is a serious psychological disorder and should not be taken lightly. If you or a friend show signs of being bipolar seek help IMMEDIATELY! With proper support it is easy to treat. Example: Yo, when's Bipolar Bill gonna get out of his depressive phase? I dunno, but I sure hope he's manic by Friday. That party'll be so much more awesome with his wild and crazy side there. NOTE TO READERS, I was indeed a promiscuous young woman but I was fully aware of that fact and used it pretty much to my own purposes, bwahahahaha! Since the seven going on eight years of celibacy, including no masturbation, I KNOW RIGHT, I await the return of PROMISCUITY at this stage of my life. Wish me luck, lol!

(4)id, noun,in Freudian theory, the division of the psyche that is totally unconscious and serves as the source of instinctual impulses and demands for immediate satisfaction of primitive needs. NOTE TO READERS, I will forever see the id as presented in the movie "FORBIDDEN PLANET".

(5)http://www.ehow.com/about_4760956_effects-smoking-during-pregnancy.html, http://www.quitguide.com/effects-of-smoking-during-pregnancy.htm, http://www.medicinenet.com/smoking_during_pregnancy/article.htm

these are just to get you started!!