THE LIST

The sign said Dallas 300 miles. "I am not afraid", I think to myself over and over, again and again. Other thoughts keep surfacing too. Like "What will she do without you?" and "Who's gonna protect her from fuckers like this?" and "I failed one child, I won't fail another."

I spent years looking up or down or even to the side, just as long as it wasn't straight ahead. Straight ahead, a direct arrow to the dark anger that had entered my soul the night it all fell in my lap on Carson Street.

The men were fighting, sons against Dad. Dad, who's own life would never be the same again. The son's were angry and scared. Throat cancer!!! Angry seeing a cigarette on his lips, beer cans all around him as he deals with his own demons in the wide open space that acts as both livingroom and bedroom to this troubled couple.

A strike and he falls to his knees, elder son holding younger son back while the soon to be mom looks on in distress. It all seemed to surreal. You know, you've seen it in movies or heard about it in one of those documentaries where folks are all doing testimonials about near death experiences and claiming to see it all unfold from above. "That was what happened to me" this one said or "There was this light" that one would say.

Well, it did happen. I was floating while my two feet were firmly planted on this earth, on that carpet in that room on Carson Street. I could see myself moving around or between or in the faces of all of them. I could see the sweat, the furrowed brows, the bloody knuckles from punching the wall. I could smell the adrenaline,the pheromones. I see myself yelling, swinging punches, picking up the man who's life had changed. I say myself go into the room to speak with the young one who was hurting, bursting to tell me something, something from the past.

Then it was all out, finally it was all out and the rush of it as your mind comes into focus. The little boy who told me he didn't want to go to ANNE PINON'S house. He hated JOHN, HATED JOHN, HATED JOHN. The kidsplay with the rope that turned into something vile. The little sister with deep emotional problems. The acting out, not trusting ANYONE.

"I will never go to Dallas again!" I told them all some seven years ago. "I will hunt that bastard and then I'll kill the little fucker!!" But not before I make him suffer and bleed. No death before I make Him scream and beg. Oh, no easy death for you JOHN, I will come apart all over YOU first before you expire in my presence, before my very angry eyes.

And I've been true to my word, until that night. I felt cold, hard, angry. I really wanted to hurt someone and in 2009 the reason was handed to me in the form of abduction.

For 19 days all I wanted to do was KILL THEM ALL. I wanted to smash them, squish them, feel warm liquid beneath bare feet, walk over their crushed bones and teeth, spit on them all then set them ablaze. Then I would dance, dance like I used to before I married this man who's jealousy drove me to another for revenge. After listening to him rant and drunkenly go on and on and on about his suspicions, despite my best efforts for over seven years, I warned him that he doesn't know me very well, even ofter all this time, and that when I choose to prick him, he would bleed forever from his heart and soul.

But that night, two days after the abduction, I got in the car and drove down I35 N. like I was on fire. The fear of leaving her to this lot of selfish fools stopped me just as I hit Selma. I had a different mission to tend to. This JOHN IS A DEAD MAN mission would have to wait. I turned around and went back to the Internet where I launched my campaign. I used every resource I could find, every lead followed to the end and success was mine after 16 days of darkness.

"There you are little one, Grandma's coming for you", I told her over the phone while they listened in over the speaker. "Be a good girl and stay sweet because I'm coming for you." The days of the phone ringing off the wall, the threats from the scumbag boyfriend stating that he was coming to my house to get me and me telling him "I'll be waiting outside for ya' motherfucker so bring it!!" The scuzzy whore STACY who helped her in the first place and then calling to lord over those of us who were looking for the child. The post from AUNT VANESSA and AUNT GINA who thought they knew what was what and had chosen to aid in the abduction. "Bring it on babies" I posted as well as other things posted by me and other family members and friends online, all of us on high alert and in furious mode. The line were drawn, the gauntlet was thrown to the ground and IT WAS ON!!

It was worth the fighting and the tears because the solution was coming. It came in the form of parental rights through the public school system. A wise woman who observed my suffering and stress came up with it and IT WAS BRILLIANT!! The police could do nothing and the lawyers could do nothing. BUT the public school system could by way of compulsory education, mandatory attendance and open records. The key was already in my hands by way of biological parent.

It was what made it so easy for parents to run off with kids in the first place. And now it was My tool, My weapon and OH how I loved wielding it. It took only three days to put into motion, this gift, but I wasn't stopping now and if harping was what it took then nagging and veiled threats it is. Enter son stage right: previous school to get the current school and we were off to withdraw her and bring her home. The campus police and the principal tried to intervene on mommy's behalf but we were not deterred and we threw our rights into the ante and won the hand with a royal flush.

They had no choice, they brought her to us and we drove her back to the home she's known since she was two. We enrolled her in her school with her classmates and friends she's known since she was four. We made our stand at the same house, never hiding but blatantly making our statement as we always have. A statement loud and clear that This is her home and These are her friends and if you tread on us we will hunt you down and set things right.

To this day she has a much better relationship with her Mom. But it will never leave me, not completely. And someday, when she's all grown up and living her own life, I'm gonna pull out that list I have in my head and I'm gonna go after you JOHN. You will be my beginning, my spectacular beginning JOHN. Then I'm coming for you others, you know who you are and why you're on the list to begin with.

So one day, when you see this statuesque old woman coming towards you with a somewhat telling smile on her lips.....KABOOM BABY!