A Sheltered Life Chapter 12

HOW TO SEE THE RED IN A MASS OF BLACK AND BLUE


Ahem. While my stay at the shelter was brief, thanks Ms. Bobbi Payne for the closeminded, underhanded, sneaky, strangely perverse and narcissistic way in which you handle fractured people while deriving an unusual pleasure from other peoples' plights, BITCH, I heard this term bantered about conciderably. That would be the term "Red Flag". Don't know who came up with it but it stuck and was used as a warning sign, if you please, to an unhealthy relationship whether it was the one you were in, just escaped from or may be concidering. I will share some of the things learned at the shelter that EVERYBODY should absorb and pass along to generations to come. Keep in mind that a batterer knows no gender bias first. They tend to be males but some women tend to be 'males' too. Okay, here goes nothing and everything.Let's start with some definitions. I like them and feel that it saves on questions later. I am also anal retentive and obsessive so let me feed those beasties in me OKAY, lol!!

char·ac·ter·is·tic   /kar-ik-tuh-ris-tik adjective 1. Also, char·ac·ter·is·ti·cal. pertaining to, constituting, or indicating the character or peculiar quality of a person or thing; typical; distinctive: Red and gold are the characteristic colors of autumn. noun 2. a distinguishing feature or quality: Generosity is his chief characteristic. 3. Mathematics . a. the integral part of a common logarithm. Compare mantissa. b. the exponent of 10 in a number expressed in scientific notation. c. the smallest positive integer n such that each element of a given ring added to itself n times results in 0.

pat·tern   /pat-ern; Brit. pat-n noun 1. a decorative design, as for wallpaper, china, or textile fabrics, etc. 2. decoration or ornament having such a design. 3. a natural or chance marking, configuration, or design: patterns of frost on the window. 4. a distinctive style, model, or form: a new pattern of army helmet. 5. a combination of qualities, acts, tendencies, etc., forming a consistent or characteristic arrangement: the behavior patterns of teenagers.

bound·a·ry   /boun-duh-ree, -dree noun, plural -ries. 1. something that indicates bounds or limits; a limiting or bounding line. 2. Also called frontier. Mathematics . the collection of all points of a given set having the property that every neighborhood of each point contains points in the set and in the complement of the set. 3. Cricket . a hit in which the ball reaches or crosses the boundary line of the field on one or more bounces, counting four runs for the batsman.

bat·ter·er   /bat-er-er noun 1. a person or thing that batters. 2. a person who inflicts violent physical abuse upon a child, spouse, or other person.

And now the main feature, sick back and buckle up.

CHARACTERISTICS OF A BATTERER:
1. Feels impotent and inadequate.
2. Acts in controlling ways to exert power and deny his/her own weakness.
3. DENIES the seriousness of violent behavior and minimizes it to self and others.
4. PROJECTS blame on the victim.
5. Views sex roles in rigid stereotypes.
6. Has low self-esteem.
7. Idealizes marriage. Ready to make commitment very quickly. Has unrealistic expectations and extreme dependence on spouse.
8. Often was a victim of child abuse.
9. Witnessed violence between parents or parental units.
10. Tends to abuse and or neglect children.
11. Seeks to maintain rigid family boundaries, as in Husband, wife and children against the world.
12. Has inadequate parental skills. Lacks knowledge of stages of child development and of ways to disciplining without violence.
13. Creates stress and conflict over parental roles.
14. Has poor communications skills. Has difficulty in identifying and appropriately expressing emotions other than anger.
15. Is socially and emotionally isolated and withdrawn.
16. Is dependent and possessive. Fears loss of relationship. Fears reinforce self-doubt. Feels anger, even rage, at having to be so dependent.

SIGNS TO LOOK FOR IN A BATTERING PERSONALITY (Source: Project for Victims of Family Violence. Fayetteville, Arkansas.)Many women are interested in ways that they can predict whether they are about to become involved with someone who will be physically abusive. Usually battering occurs between a man and a woman, but lesbians can be batterd too. Below are a list of behaviors that are seen in pople who beat their girlfriends or wives; the last four signs listed are battering., but many women don't realize this is the beginning of physical abuse. If the person has several of the other behaviors (say three or more) there is a strong potential for physical violence. The more signs a person has, the more likely the person is a batterer. In some cases, a batterer may have only a couple of behaviors that the woman can recognize, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. will try to explain his/her behavior as signs of his/her love and concern) and a woman may be flattered at first but as time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate and control the woman.

SIGNS:

1. JEALOUSY: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love but jealousy has nothing to do with love. It's a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. He/She will questions the partner about wo she talks to, accuse them of flirting, or be jealous of the time spent with family, friends and even children. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call their partner frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He/She may refuse to let the partner work for fear they will meet someone else, or even do strange behaviors such as checking car mileage or asking friends to be watchful of them.

2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At the first, the batterer will say this behavior is because they are concerned for their partner's safety, their need to use their time well, or their need to make good decisions. They will be angry if their partner is late coming back from the store or an appointment and will question them closely about where they went and who they talked to. As this behavior gets worse, they may not let their partner make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church and they may keep all the money or even make their partner ask permission to leave the house or the room.

3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were married, engaged or living together. The abuser comes on like a whirlwind, claiming that "You're the only person I could ever talk to" or "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." They will pressure the woman to commit to the relationship in such a way that later the woman may feel very guilty, that she's letting them down just because she wants to slow down involvement or break up.

4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all of their needs. They expect the woman to be the perfect wife, mother, lover and friend. They will say things like "If you love me, I'm all you nee and You are all I need." The woman is supposed to take care of everything for them and in the home.

5. ISOLATION: The abusive person tries to cut the partner off from all resources. If she has male friends she becomes a "whore". If she has female friends she becomes the "lesbian". If she is close to her family she's "tied to the apron strings". An abuser will accuse all of these outside supports of "causing trouble". The abuser will want to live in the country without a phone, a reliable car and may try to keep the woman from working or going to school.

6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If the abuser is chronically unemployed, for instance, someone is always doing them wrong or out to get them. They may make mistakes and then blame their partner for upsetting them and keeping them from concentrating on the work. They will tell ther woman that she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.

7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS: They will tell the woman "you make me mad" or "you're hurting me by not doing what I want you to do", or "I can't help being angry". They really make the decision about what they think or feel but will use feelings to manipulate the woman. Harder to catch are claims that "you make me happy" or "you control how I feel."

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: An abuser is easily insulted and and claims their feelings are "hurt". What they really are is mad and takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. They will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened when things are really just part of living, like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told some behavior is annoying or being asked to help with chores.

9. CRUELTY TO CHILDREN AND PETS: This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering. This person may expect children to be capable for doing things beyond their ability, example-whips a two year old for wetting a diaper. Or they may tease children or siblings until they cry. Sixty percent of men who beat their partners also beat their children. They may not want the children to eat at the same table with them or expect the children to be kept in their room all evening while They are home.

10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX: This kind of person may like to throw the woman down and hold her down during sex. He may want to act out fantasies during sex where the woman is "helpless". He is letting her know that the idea of "rape" is exciting to him. He may show little concern about whether the woman wants to have se and uses sulking or anger to manipulate her into compliance. He may start having sex with the woman while she is "sleeping" or demand sex when she is ILL, INJURED, or TIRED.

11. VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades the woman, cursing her, running down any of her accomplishments. The abuser will tell the woman that she's stupid and unable to function without them. This may involve WAKING the woman up to verbally abuse her and not letting her go to sleep.

12. RIGID SEX ROLES: The abuser expects a woman to serve them, they may say the woman must stay at home. that she must obey in all things-even things that are criminal in nature. The abuser will see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

13. DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE: Many women are confused by their abuser's "sudden" changes in mood. They may think the abuser hasw some special mental problem because one minute they're nice and the next they're exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics like hypersensitivity.

14. *PAST BATTERING: This person may say they have hit women in their pasts but that THEY MADE THEM DO IT. The woman may hear from relatives or ex's that the person is abusive. A batterer will beat any woman they are with if the woman is with them long enough for the violence to begin. Note that situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality.

15. *THREATS OF VIOLENCE: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control the woman such as "I'll slap you mouth off", "I'll kill you" or "I'll break your neck". Most people do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will try to excuse threats by saying "everybody talks like that".

16. *BREAKING OR SHATTERING OBJECTS: This behavior is used as a punishment but is mostly used to terrorize the woman into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with their fist, throw objects around or near the woman. Again, this is very remarkable behavior-not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there's a great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to punish or frighten their mate.

17. *ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: This may involve a batterer holding a woman down, physically restraining her from leaving the room, any pushing or shoving. They may hold the woman against the wall and say "you are going to listen to me!"


It's alot to absorb and I bet your questioning your self and the relationships you've had, are having, will have. I know I do. I can't help but think about past, present and future relationships. Once a person reaches the conclusion that I did and leaves a relationship rather that continue the madness...well, you know, :)

I want to wrap it up by giving you more signs to follow, more red flags to spot. WHY? Because all of us, each and every man, woman and child has a right to protect and defend ourselves. We have a duty to take responsibility for how we treat and ALLOW ourselves to be treated. WE, all of US need to learn how and when to tell people they are acting in unacceptable ways. We all need to be honest and open, first with ourselves, then with others. And we do this by COMMUNICATING.

WHAT NOT TO DO:
Entering a person's personal space such as bedroom, bathroom, office, email, mail, briefcase, purse etc. WITHOUT PERMISSION!

Touching, or getting close to a person or their property WITHOUT PERMISSION!

Following or Stalking someone.

Demanding others respect your time and energy while not having the same respect for theirs.

Eavesdropping on private conversations.

Exposing others to a contagious disease.

Withholding important information such as rules, regulations, health care conditions, etc.

Sharing personal or private information such as financial status, religious beliefs, etc.

Refusing to participate in safe sex practices.

Harassment of any kind based on sex, race, religion, culture, gender, age, ability, etc.

Physical and or sexual abuse of any kind.

Denying or challenging someone's right to choice or feeling.

Verbal abuse in its many forms such as yelling, ridicule, sarcasm (Oh no, not that), labeling, threatening looks or language, intimidation, insults, impatience, false allegations.

Snobbery and patronizing behavior.

Using peer pressure or covert behavior to get one's way.

Refusing to accept responsibility for one's own errors, lies or behaviors through lack of acknowledgement or apology.

Lying, dishonesty, telling partial truths, "spinning" facts to create a false impression.

Negative control techniques such as sarcasm (I'm sunk), shaming (Dangit), name calling, retaliation (Well now I'm going to hell), chronic lateness, jealousy, self-victimization.

Reinforcing or supporting another's self-limiting beliefs and behaviors for power or control.

Denying an individual's right to voice or choice (Which sent me to the blogs and tweets).

Enabling rather than empowering. (It's getting hot in here)

Expecting or demanding differing levels of accountability based on sex, race, religion, culture, nationality, gender, etc. (Looks like I'll have some company)

All kidding aside, I want you to practice saying the following until it flows off the tongue and past the lips, especially if you find yourself in a defensive situation and there's been blows:

If you ever hit me, I'll call the police and press charges and I will leave this relationship. If you continue to threaten me, I will get a restraining order and prepare to defend myself in whatever manner is necesary.

And remember this, if you aren't living the life you want, then whose life are you living? Now I close with one of my favorite quotes:

"The basis of world peace is the teaching which runs through almost all the great religions of the world. "Love thy neighbor as thyself." Christ, some of the other great Jewish teachers, Buddha, all preached it. Their followers forgot it. What is the trouble between capital and labor, what is the trouble in many of our communities, but rather a universal forgetting that this teaching is one of our first obligations." -Eleanor Roosevelt