A Sheltered Life Chapter Three

THE REAL VICTIMS

Let's talk about the children in the shelter today. It's time to address some of my issues in dealing with these little monster angels.

Now I will, naturally, notice and observe a child before I will an adult. I have always been the watchful eye of my younger siblings because someone had to do it. My mom was, quite frankly, overwhelmed with six living boys and five living girls. Now, with my father constantly doing tours for the United States Army, somebody needed to help her out. So the gender bias began at a very early age for me. There were five younger siblings to help care for by the time I was twelve.

The TWINS were only a year older than I but I don't really count them as supporters of the five younger ones. They were the favorites, the double apples of my mother's eye, the center of attention and really great conversation pieces for her. Talk about a quick way to break the ice.

Getting back to the five young ones. I missed a lot of school taking care of the youngest child for Mom while she went to school to become a CNA. My eldest sister attended school with her as well. With the second and the third youngest I spent most of the time mending wounds, most of which came from the third youngest who hated tn the second youngest. The 3rd so wanted to be an only child, yeah right!!

The fourth youngest was our dazzling little man and, of course, was also one of Mom's favorites. This one could create the most amazing things out of absolute rubbish. I miss my Peter Pan so very much and regret not being there when he so clearly reached out to share something so secret that it was too late to stop, couldn't reverse. Now he's gone and I didn't get to tell him I love him. Seeing him in that horrible box is too much, even now, for me to deal with.

And then there's number five from the bottom. I fear for her because I warned her not to marry and I got angry when her abuser tried to fuck up my life and told them both they would never be protected from me or the other side of my Zaila's coin. Revenge is still a hard pill to swallow and I'm hoping to get past it with professional help.

As for the three (four when you add the half sister that Dad created and I didn't discover until my Mom passed away) above the TWINS, them I don't know as well as I do these little gems so I may just breeze past them from time to time. It doesn't mean I don't love them, it simply means I don't know them other than that we're blood and that makes us thick as soup when needed.

So, I have experience with kids. I've formed my own ways of predicting what kids to or how they'll respond to things. I know abused and neglected. I see trauma and fear, not new to me!!. I see how a nurtured kid can become successful. I also see how a neglected kid can become just as successful.

I can spot a mean one from miles away while they pull the wool over other's eyes. And I'm quick to figure out when the home environment is not a healthy one, having come from a somewhat unhealthy one myself. I've discovered bullies who are abused and act the way they do in defense. I know a smiling child with quiet tones will throw you down a well after they get what they want from you. In every case, neglect and abuse.

In a shelter, you get to see the trauma, the results of such violence that it literally makes your teeth hurt from grinding them so hard, at least it's that way for me. Thus, I try to keep my distance. No use getting close to these kids in any way. I don't hold them. I don't watch them for their Moms! I've only made one exception to that rule, only once since I've been here.

I will not do anything but smile and play with them and I do give hugs or play peek-a-boo with some of them. I have no qualms in telling these Mom's no when they ask me to keep an eye on their kids, only to scamper off to the smoking area to pollute the womb that their unborn occupies.

I have no problem saying no to many of these child moms with children still biting at their ankles. Why should I give
them a break? Why should I have a heart and take the load off of them? I would be condoning the disgusting habits they haven't given up yet for these children they are trying to palm off on me or anyone else How dare you go out and make bad choices and then try to manipulate others so you can still have the pleasures of such folly!!!

Breathe in, breathe out. In. Out.

To make this short, because to dwell on it makes me angry, I've got plenty of pity for the children here, plenty of disdain for their mother's and hatred, pure, undiluted hatred for the abusers who put them here. I write these words because to keep them inside is to fester a wound and the pus comes out in retorts that hurt. I don't want to be that person so I've learned to say NO!!!